The Times of Bullshit

Wagah

2011-11-24T01:16:00.006+05:30

Manto’s Toba Tek Singh is probably one of the most extraordinary pieces of satire ever written. Ripping into the utter mindlessness that was Partition, the story questions the very concept of sanity in a land where, it could be said, with very little exaggeration, everyone had gone mad. If you haven’t already, you can read the short story here in the original Urdu or a Devanagri transliteration

Naql ke Liye Aql

2011-11-22T13:51:00.008+05:30

By now, most of you must of heard of Aliaa Elmahdy after she posted nude pictures of herself on the Internet as an "expression" of her "being".While I have nothing intellgient to add on the actual act, what I found really funny about this was NDTV's ridiculous piece on the episode. While giving context to this case and trying to explain just how conservative Egypt is, the NDTV news reader, with

The Drink of Champions

2011-08-07T16:38:00.003+05:30

The current state of my kitchen—which has no stove—is largely not as much of bother as one might expect. Lunch I eat at office; dinner I order from outside. For breakfast, I have with me, from my last trip to Cal, a number of disks of a desiccated Bandel Cheese—a delicious smoked cheese which is possibly the Anglo-Indian community’s best kept secret. An overnight soak in some water and, paired

The Story of the Story of Somnath

2011-07-10T22:53:00.012+05:30

After seeing this poster at a food-court, I resolved to watch Shobha Somnath Ki after I got home. I did manage to watch almost a whole episode which is quite commendable given how boring it is—like most other Indian TV shows, they really don’t have anything to say and end up stretching the most mundane incidents across the 20-odd minutes of airtime (the only exception I can think of now is

Ambush Marketing

2011-06-06T21:02:00.002+05:30

Sayonara

2011-05-09T21:48:00.009+05:30

Google might be God but sometimes, just sometimes, it does fuck things up.So, I was pretty jobless the other day and was going through some Joy Division stuff of YouTube. This is how Wikipedia introduces them, btw:"Joy Division rapidly evolved from their initial punk rock influences to develop a sound and style that pioneered the post-punk movement of the late 1970s. According to music critic

Heh. Literally!

2011-04-15T00:09:00.002+05:30

This is, literally, one of the coolest concepts for a blog I have come across. “Literally” is an English language grammar blog tracking abuse of the word “literally”. Sadly, it hasn’t been updated in a year and a half but even so, what an idea, sir ji.Here's the blog: LiterallyJohnson, over at the Economist, has a nice little post up on this which explains why you shouldn't get all that angry the

The Hunger Fast: A Few Thoughts and Some History

2011-04-12T22:56:00.011+05:30

As Hazare and the exhilaration over his fast-unto-death slowly becomes entangled in the giant, sticky web that is the Indian political system—the Congress has already rejected demands to videograph the proceedings of the Joint Committee—it’s worthwhile to recall a hunger strike which occurred more than 50 years ago. Potti Sreeramulu was a Telegu-speaking Congressman who had worked with Gandhi in

Man Sick of Corruption Forced to Bribe Doctor to Get Treatment

2011-04-09T01:44:00.007+05:30

EAST CHAMPARAN, BIHAR: Social activist, Ravi Kumar of East Champaran, Bihar was forced to bribe the local government doctor in order to receive treatment after he was taken violently ill as a result of a 4-day hunger strike against corruption. Sources tell the Times of Bullshit that Kumar, 43, had embarked on the fast in order to do his bounden duty towards his nation and eradicate the one

Hunger Fasts and Sluggish Democracy

2011-04-08T00:31:00.007+05:30

Hazare’s fast, it must be said, has generated some very lively debate about the pros and cons of extra-constitutional methods that politics in our country often takes. Quite a few people argue that the system is broken beyond repair and the only solution would be one that comes from outside the system itself. Some on the other hand raise questions about the direction this movement is taking, and

Diss

2011-04-07T22:22:00.003+05:30

I’m usually not the nimblest of people when it comes to keeping up with slang but there is one word, apparently originating from Black rap, that I really like: diss. The word is rather usefull in a number of situations and, conveniently, conveys a shade of meaning that is a bit different from its mother word, disrespectful. Its rise, incidently, has been precipitous. I don’t remember it even

English? #Fail

2011-04-06T17:05:00.004+05:30

For all our chest-beating about how important English has been to our economic rise, a recent survey ranks India 29th out off 44 countries in fluency of speaking English. To put that in perspective, China, a country against whom our trump card is supposed to be our knowledge of English, ranks just a place below us at 30.In fact, the Chinese people of Taiwan beat us by ranking four places ahead of

Chokers

2011-03-25T22:50:00.006+05:30

I'm usually a nice sort of boy but I felt this piece of Internet vandalism was sorely needed. Here's a snapshot of the Wikipedia article on Choker, updated post the World Cup's third quarter final match:Heh.

Punjabi Link of the Day

2011-03-17T23:28:00.003+05:30

Quite a few of you must have heard the Coke Studio song Jugni. Not my favourite Coke Studio song (I might be biased though--I don't know any Punjabi and I tend not to like songs I can't understand) but if Google is any indicator, it's the show's most popular song. But just what is the symbolism of Jugni and why it's such a popular trope in Punjabi music (it's made quite a few Bollywood

British Humour

2011-03-14T21:48:00.003+05:30

Bernardo Hees, Burger King’s CEO, has apparently described the UK’s women and food as “terrible”. The Independent, while reporting this, slipped in a snarky little come-back. The last line of their report, out of the blue, has this to say:A Burger King Double Whopper with cheese contains 950 calories, half of a woman's recommended daily calorie intake. As if to say, “we might be ugly but it’s

Wrong End of the Stick

2011-03-05T15:20:00.007+05:30

The wise people at the Times of India published this amazing little one-liner as part of their Friday dine-out section:Lent is of course a Christian tradition commemorated through abstinence and self-denial. Practically, most of it takes the form of giving up certain foods, meat being the most common, from what I've seen. In other words, using an all-you-can-eat food orgy to "mark the festival of

Web Board Comment of the Day

2011-02-17T10:39:00.005+05:30

In case you ever want to boost your estimation of just how smart you are, just head over to Rediff’s comment section. Rediff’s message boards are of course well known as a centre of excellence in dumbfuckness. But, of late, I’ve noticed that the Times of India boards have come up beautifully and are giving Rediff some stiff competition (ToI would win by a mile if the articles could be bought

The Sangh and the Tiranga: a Love-Hate Relationship?

2011-02-13T03:10:00.008+05:30

While the BJP’s tamasha of trying to forcefully hoist the tricolour at Lal Chowk turned out to be a bit of a damp squib, what is really ironic is the new found love that the Sangh’s political arm has found for the tiranga considering the sneering condescension that its ilk has had for the Indian Flag historically. Having never come to terms with the modern concept of India where the state strives

Republic or Independence Day?

2011-01-26T20:48:00.004+05:30

At the recently concluded Jaipur Literature Festival (an absolutely amazing event by the way), M.J. Akbar, while talking about his new book, Tinderbox: The Past and Future of Pakistan, claimed that India’s independence day was not really on the 15th of August; it actually fell on what is known as Republic Day. Meant more to jolt than to edify, the statement is true in a very narrow, technical

Absolute Master Speech, Sirji

2011-01-15T13:04:00.003+05:30

This is a speech by Obama at the Tucson memorial commemorating the shooting which killed six people as well as severely wounding a US member of Congress. A speech that moved me--filling me with a heavy hearted, almost patriotic reverence for the hero who stopped the gunman from reloading as well as making me smile sadly as Obama recounted the dreams of 9 year old Christina-Taylor Gree who wanted

Right Choice, Charia

2010-12-20T23:35:00.007+05:30

My mother grew up in Central Calcutta; Free School Street, to be precise. It’s not called that anymore, although its new name—Mirza Ghalib street—is not very well known and is also a bit ironic since the poet envied the growing ascendancy of Calcutta over Dehlee, penning this little ditty after a trip to the city: Kalkattey kaa jo zikr keeyaa tuney hamnasheen, ek teer mere seeney pe maaraa kee

The Origins of Israel, Pakistan and Blasphemers

2010-12-06T23:30:00.011+05:30

Uri Avnery, in a fascinating article in Outlook, argues how the “secular nationalism” of Zionism (or so he claims) was marred by the State of Israel’s “non-separation between state and religion” “This distinction between Israelis and Jews would not have surprised any of us 50 years ago. Before the foundation of the State of Israel, none of us spoke about a “Jewish state”. In our demonstrations

Football Shootball Hai Rabba.

2010-11-06T22:31:00.007+05:30

I'm a person who knows nothing about football: I don't play the game, don't watch it and (shockingly!) don't support a club which operates 2000 miles from where I live. For this I have been made to suffer. Grievously. A disproportionately large number of conversations I join in abruptly turn to whatever football tourney is underway, leaving me with the delicate task of showing just enough

Drown in a Palmful of Water

2010-10-18T22:44:00.006+05:30

Even as India’s ranks in 67th IFPRI's Global Hunger Index of 2010, placing it lower than any other Asian nation other than Bangladesh, the Indian press wets themselves over the successful Commonwealth Games and the good it has done for India’s “image”.Well, P Sainath in a scathing article, disagrees somewhat:“The point simply, is this: The Commonwealth Games were no showcase, but a mirror of

Delhi

2010-10-12T00:18:00.002+05:30

Here’s a brilliant outline of the super-rich class of Delhi by Rana Dasgupta published in a 2009 edition of Granta:“Delhi is a city of traumas,’ he says. ‘You can’t understand anything if you don’t realize that everyone here is trying to forget the horrifying things that have happened in their families. Delhi was destroyed by the British in 1857. It was destroyed again by Partition in 1947. It

The Reaction to the Verdict and a Few Other Bits

2010-10-10T00:06:00.010+05:30

Much of the mainstream media has accepted the lack of reaction as a sort of unquestioning acceptance of the verdict from the Indian Muslim (the Hindu and the Outlook are two exceptions, though). However, opinions are now being aired as people stop cowering in fear of another communal conflagration and cautiously peek over the parapet.Vidya Subrahmaniam of The Hindu in a sharp article on the

Protector or Protectee?

2010-10-06T22:09:00.008+05:30

In a review of Ramchandra’s Gandhi’s Sita's Kitchen: a testimony of faith and inquiry, historian Vinay Lal recounts this episode from the life of Swami Vivekanada: The famous Indian monk had gone to Kashmir towards the end of his life; anguished over the invader's desecration and destruction of countless images of Hindu Gods and Goddesses, and filled with rage at "this humiliating testimony of

Paan-ed!

2010-09-26T21:14:00.006+05:30

You mean that's not a peek-dani? Oops! (Picture courtesy The BBC)Firangs, calm down! That wasn't shit all over the toilets, man. That was paan kee peek--saliva mixed with paan juice with maybe some phlegm--that's all. The expectoration of saliva by paan-chewers, I'll have you know, is a venerable Indian tradition (it's quite beautiful, you know, the way the glistening, ochre liquid arcs

Government reveals that Commonwealth Games a practical joke; gag hoodwinks entire nation

2010-08-27T17:09:00.009+05:30

With a little more than a month to go for the 2010 Commonwealth Games, the Indian Government has revealed that there are no Games, and the event was nothing but a big practical joke on the Indian Public.“Booyah, India,” shouted Manmohan Singh as he revealed this amidst peals of raucous laughter. “Now you know why we seemed to be so badly prepared for the Games. That’s cos there are no Games, duh!

Why the 15th of August?

2010-08-17T18:00:00.001+05:30

And not the 16th of August or the 13th of September was the date that was decided upon for India’s (and Pakistan’s) independence. Well, because British India’s last Viceroy (and independent India’s first Governor -General) was a bit full of himself. The 15th of August, 1945 was the day on which Japan had surrendered—special for Mountbatten because he had been the Supreme Commander for South-East

Yeh sheher nahi mehfil hai

2010-07-18T16:59:00.006+05:30

So I rode the new Gurgaon Metro the other day. While exiting at a station saw this lovely sign, which read: "ASS CHARGED WITH 33KV KEEP DISTANCE". There was a skull and bones on the notice too, in case you were left with any doubts as to just how dangerous the ass in question was.Blury mobile phone snap in case you don't believe meWhile I'm sure there might be more "sensible" (pfft) explanations,

Great White Hope

2010-05-16T17:07:00.004+05:30

Gulab is large-ish shop in Gurgaon which sells an assortment of Indian sweets, mithai and such. Also has a number of things to eat besides mithai—thali meals, dosas and even the odd pizza—all ‘pure vegetarian’, of course (one day, I’d like to get my hands of something which is vegetarian and impure).What I found interesting is that to advertise themselves, they chose to photoshop a picture of a

Middle Class Muddle

2010-05-09T11:01:00.005+05:30

A Raja’s alleged crimes would make poor old Tharoor’s transgressions look like a church sermon. Yet Raja’s brazen refusal to resign, or for that matter even appear contrite, stands in sharp contrast to the way Tharoor was made to quit as a result of the IPL imbroglio. The reason, commentators tell us, is that Tharoor has no “political base”. However, this is only partly true. Tharoor had a very

A Very Costly Bill

2010-03-14T17:24:00.003+05:30

India is a democracy or, at the very least, that’s what some of us have been led to believe. And one of the major reasons that you can claim that India is a democracy with a straight face is that the country has a Parliament that, in some form or the other, represents the people of India. What allows Parliament to claim that it represents the people of India? That’s because it’s composed of MPs,

MNIK Sob Story Softens Hearts of Sainiks

2010-02-15T01:23:00.012+05:30

No spoilers about the movie, by the way. Can't say the same about the Shiv Sena, though.An insidious plan by the Shiv Sena to send Sainiks into cinema halls disguised as movie goers to disrupt the release of My Name is Khan was foiled, as Sainiks, after watching the emotional tearjerker, were so overwhelmed by emotion that they were unable to carry out orders. The movie’s release in Mumbai was,

Why Republic Day is so Important

2010-01-26T19:19:00.006+05:30

Because almost every achievement that India can claim as a country, rests on the bedrock of an amazing document which came into force today—the Constitution. It might seem simple enough now, but India could easily have blundered in the type of polity it chose. Just to compare, these are the words that Pakistan’s Objectives resolution (it lays the framework for the constitution to be framed)

My IPL is Bigger Than Yours

2010-01-26T16:32:00.008+05:30

The glee that quite few Indians have shown over the IPL saga is understandable—to quote from one of India's most popular bloggers, Great Bong, the reasoning goes something like this: “Now since we are talking about a country who about a year before butchered our citizens and who allow the perpetrators of that crime against humanity to walk their streets amidst adulation and approbation” what the

Aman ki Asha - Amen

2010-01-17T23:48:00.006+05:30

The two leading media houses of India and Pakistan - The Times of India and the Jang Group - have come together to develop a stronger Track 2 in the diplomatic and cultural relations between India and Pakistan. "Aman ki Asha: Destination Peace" looks beyond the confines of a 62-year-old political boundary to the primal bonds that tie together the two peoples.That’s how the ToI describes Aman ki

The City Never Dies

2010-01-09T18:36:00.006+05:30

What do you do when your city is dying? Do you feel sad like when a person you know dies? Do you tell others, “don’t worry, everything will be all right”? Maybe even go for the “inhe dawaon kee naheen, duaon ki zaroorath hain” line.Well, if the city’s Calcutta, you eat. Calcutta might be dying (it’s been dying for the longest time, really—Rajiv Gandhi thought it was dying even back in the 80’s)

The Good Ol' Days

2009-12-18T00:24:00.008+05:30

The Apprentice Since (or so the newswalas tell us) Advani is about to step down soon, here's a lovely, nostalgia-inducing B&W photograph of Advani and Modi on their way to Surat in 1992, after post-Babri Masjid riots in the city killed 152 people (full-on official figures, them).Of course, no one was convicted and a commission constituted to probe the riots was wound up before it could submit its

Eat India Movement Causes Revolution in India

2009-12-13T21:23:00.008+05:30

Amazing scenes were witnessed today as women power was instrumental in starting a lobby group called WALS – Women Against Lazy Starvation. It aims to unite women of the country against Indians who don’t have enough to eat.Throughout the country, women have come together in this movement of epic proportions (the biggest since that chap set off on that longish walk to get some salt) to convince

Aati Kya Khandala

2009-12-12T16:16:00.005+05:30

She: a Superpower’s Secretary of State who's nursing betrayal from her husband as well as Pakistan’s establishment.He: a dashing Marathi manoos who has seen it all—from stamp paper scams to cricket boards.Will their love be able to overcome their differences? Will she, an Amreeki mem, be able to live among the sugarcane fields of Maharshtra? Will Hon. Shri Sharad Pawar be able to love a person of

KLPD?

2009-12-12T03:04:00.002+05:30

Ramachandra Guha thinks that Telanangana isn't scary.Well, try telling that to the Congress, which is shitting bricks over the issue after the coastal Andhra/Rayalseema backlash began.Well, so much for that. Call the police and tell them to get along some orange juice. It's bhook-hartal time, baby.

Dying to Win

2009-12-10T23:57:00.017+05:30

Considering that the current round of agitations over Telangana was sparked off by a hunger-strike, you gotta love the simile used in a ToI article on the problem of just what is to be done with Hyderabad if Telangana becomes a reality: “Yet you cannot deny Hyderabad to Telangana because Telangana will be nothing without Hyderabad. It will be like offering mutton biryani to a hungry man and

Why the BJP's Been in a Mess Lately

2009-12-05T22:54:00.008+05:30

Well, because, the RSS chief is pressed for time. [link]Image courtesy of the Indian Express

True Facts

2009-11-21T00:19:00.003+05:30

Read a news snippet in the Hindustan Times which showcased journalism at its best—nothing but the unvarnished, raw truth.Yup, a historic judgement indeed--right up there with the Calcutta High Court’s ingenuous order declaring that “Water is Not Dry”.Actually, if you read the piece, it does explain things in a fairly coherent manner. The wife claims that her ex-husband had “forceful intercourse”

It's All About Loving Your Family

2009-11-09T23:33:00.006+05:30

History and Other Works of Fiction

2009-11-04T00:58:00.007+05:30

Indians have an odd relationship with History. Growing up, the subject along with the rest of the Arts is consigned to the bottom of the educational caste system. To have graduated in History either means you are academically challenged or you’re a woman who’s about to be married off the day you graduate. Of course, it doesn’t help that the way it’s taught in school, it’ll take quite an effort to

Sour Grapes and Sweet Mangos

2009-10-21T23:12:00.008+05:30

Mary Roy explains how the craze for an English-medium education in a country that is not an English-speaking one is killing, well, education in that country:Watching these children being taught is to be amazed, and horrified. In an English recitation class in lower primary, for example, you will hear 40 children chanting in unison, with accompanying actions, “The fox jumped and jumped and jumped.

Now You be Nice to Him

2009-10-21T22:51:00.003+05:30

In spite of the criticism she’s faced from many quarters, Karen Armstrong is not a bad read really. However, I couldn’t but help have a chuckle at this :Whether we like it or not, God is here to stay, and it’s time we found a way to live with him in a balanced, compassionate manner.It’s almost as if a harried mother is trying to make peace between two squabbling, preadolescent siblings.Also, why

Funjabi

2009-10-19T23:54:00.008+05:30

There is a certain something about Punjabis as a community--whether you like them or hate them, you really can’t ignore them. Take Punjabi music, for instance, or food (which is my pet peeve) the culture has a stranglehold on India.For example, restaurants in Calcutta which serve Butter Chicken and Tandoori Chicken, take to calling themselves Indian restaurants, which is all right but I’d like to

PM Without a Single Nobel Seeks Light and Knowledge from Diwali

2009-10-16T00:00:00.001+05:30

New Delhi: In an expansive gesture to Indians worldwide as much as to showcase his – and India’s -- multi-cultural affections, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Wednesday lit a ceremonial Diwali lamp to ''symbolise victory of light over darkness.'' ''This coming Saturday, Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and some Buddhists, here in India and around the world, will celebrate this holiday by lighting

The Nobelman: Obama Wins Peace Prize

2009-10-10T03:32:00.007+05:30

Barack Obama, Supreme Commander of the most destructive conventional and nuclear military in the world, was awarded the Nobel Prize for peace on Friday.The news was greeted with unbridled joy and a sense of vindication by many who believe that Obama is just one in a long line of prophets sent by Him to deliver peace, prosperity and good oratory to the world. However, there were quite a few

Kabuliwalah

2009-10-05T22:42:00.005+05:30

The Indian Express reports:Against severe odds, India has built a 202-km transmission line to bring electricity to Afghanistan’s power-starved capital, Kabul.Now if only someone would bring electricity to India’s power-starved capital. ***A fairly informative article on the matter: Candle-Light Vigil

Jashn-e-Azadi

2009-08-15T18:01:00.006+05:30

Independence Day: A day for which the nation's copywriters are eternally grateful.

The Apu Theory

2009-08-13T00:20:00.005+05:30

The Times of India reports that the SC has rejected a plea to to make it "mandatory for people to show respect to Mahatma Gandhi.”The decision came in response to a PIL against UP chief minister Mayawati’s alleged description of Gandhiji as a ‘natakbaaz’ (a hypocrite or gimmicky). The petitioners — advocate Ravi Kant and Sukumar — had cited Gandhiji’s contributions to argue that he deserved

See No Evil

2009-07-30T09:21:00.005+05:30

The Delhi High Court dismissed two petitions against the TV show Sach ka Saamna yesterday. The Court, though, did give a simple solution to anyone who was afraid of getting corrupted by watching the show—DON’T WATCH THE SHOW."In this land of Gandhi, it appears that nobody follows Gandhi... Follow the Gandhian principle of ‘see no evil’. Why do you not simply switch off the TV?”"If only this sort

We Will Overcome

2009-07-25T16:56:00.003+05:30

Oh my fucking god! The horror! Those imperialist, white, sons of bitches, how dare they insult us?I mean, is there no sense of decency and good conduct left in those white chaps? How could they frisk a VVIP/VIP exempted from pre-embarkation security checks as recorded in the BCAS Circular No. 6/2008. What kind of a world do we live in where airline staff doesn’t read BCAS Circulars issued by the

Obscene Picture

2009-07-19T13:29:00.004+05:30

A picture of my neighbour's Laura. (Click picture if you want to, er...make it larger)

Delhi HC Judgement Brings Communal Harmony to India At Last

2009-07-04T23:47:00.006+05:30

Religious leaders across board showed rare camaraderie and unity to come together as one big happy family and denounce the Delhi HC judgement making homosexuality legal in India. The judgement has bought in its wake unprecedented communal amity among India’s religious leaders—remarkable in a country prone to frequent communal violence.The Delhi High Court had passed the judgement on Thursday,

Irony

2009-06-17T02:47:00.003+05:30

The Congress, it seems, is getting rather egalitarian nowadays. The party will not tolerate feudal titles anymore says this report from the ToI:Kunwar', `Raja', `Rani', `Begum', `Srimant' will soon stand deleted from the AICC's listings and records some 40 years after Indira Gandhi did away with privy purses in what was then meant to signal the arrival of a post-colonial egalitarian

It's Getting Better All the Time

2009-06-06T12:52:00.004+05:30

Getting the Women's Reservation Bill passed in Parliament will kill two birds with one stone:1) More women will enter the highest legislative body in the land.2) Sharad Yadav would be no more.I say, go for it.

Talk English, Walk English

2009-06-04T00:21:00.007+05:30

The Samajwadi Party manifesto is not exactly bestseller material (strictly speaking other than ‘guide books’ for IIT-JEE, nothing in our country is). In spite of that, however, the manifesto had achieved a considerable amount of infamy for the single sin of calling for the abolition of English in our schools. Newspapers went apoplectic, lengthy editorials were written and English news channels

Oh! Calcutta...

2009-05-25T23:09:00.010+05:30

What did Calcutta do to deserve this?I mean, yes, the city sucks, no doubt. It must be the dirtiest, most polluted city ever. Everybody who goes to Calcutta should see the marvel of Free School Street (just ahead of Kathleen) where Pigs and Humans co-exist peacefully on a wonderful garbage dump which would, one day, be used as a model for sustainable housing.And, of course, the water logging.

Sarkar - Part II

2009-05-17T00:47:00.009+05:30

Yes, it’s time to jive to Jai Ho. The big story of the day, apart from what I had for lunch, is that the Congress has swept the country, Singh is King and Sonia is our soniya. As usual, the press messed it up, predicting a hung house which never happened. The BJP, while it did not exactly get drubbed, ended up “strongly and decisively” on the losing side. The party,

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

2009-05-13T23:24:00.003+05:30

Sanjana, Surbhi aur unke kayi naye dost aayein hai chat room pe. Bus dial karein 55313@Rs9/min aur kare unse dher saary baatein.I’m a Vodafone subscriber and every spam SMS they send me, like the one above, is prefixed with VD, for, I assume, Vodafone. So, for example, an SMS containing offers would be called ‘VD Offers’.Anyways, I would certainly have called “Sanjana, Surbhi aur unke kayi naye

Super Chomu

2009-04-28T23:59:00.007+05:30

In the real world there are many identifiers of a chomu--watching reality shows, quoting your mum in a conversation or, as my mum says, writing blogs which are are a pun on the name of a major newspaper.But in cyber space nothing identifies a person as more of a chomu than commenting on random YouTube videos. Nothing. That was what I thought till today. However, with this comment on an audio clip

Pitha Versus Papa

2009-04-19T19:35:00.018+05:30

This is a Yahoo! Answers page which asks a fairly innocuous question: How should one address family members in Hindi or Bengali? Fairly simple question, you'd say, and I'd agree. However, there is a twist in the tale:So 'Sa' thinks that nani is Hindi for maternal grandmother but she also opines that papa and mummy are the Hindi translation for father and mother, respectively!Weird, isn't it? Well

Normal Born Brother-in-Law

2009-04-07T22:11:00.008+05:30

Rabri is apparently in a bit of a spot because she used the word saala in a campaign speech. This is what the sister of Jalebi had to say:"Who is Lallan Singh? He is Nitish Kumar's saala. Everyone knows this. I say this openly. This is why Nitish Kumar holds Lallan Singh's hand all the time whether they are in a meeting or a rally"Which brings us to Hindi's most popular gaali—saala. Although I've

Pseudo-Secularism

2009-04-02T20:46:00.007+05:30

Ad in the Delhi edition of the Times of India, 2nd April, 2009.Without touching upon the utter hypocrisy, absurdity and futileness of having the concept of a ‘dry day’, can’t the Government even proof-read its Dry Day announcements?If today is the 2nd (which it is), do tell me how the 3rd, the 7th and the 10th constitute the ‘Next 3 Days’? P.S: By the way, this is how Urban Dictionary defines '

After Britishers, Congress drives Cricket back to Britain

2009-03-23T17:51:00.002+05:30

With the IPL to be played in England, the Congress Party has successfully managed to chase the British game of cricket out of India. In a long drawn out struggle, the Party fought valiantly to wipe out all vestiges of the British, including the game of cricket. Mass movement were led which insisted that Indians play Indian games like Kabbadi, Kho kho and ‘Will Your Paan Spit Hit the Wall?’ and

The Blame Game

2009-03-08T22:19:00.001+05:30

In Life, the Universe and Everything, Douglas Adams tells us the story of the residents of the planet Krikket—Krikketers. The Krikketers had never imagined that a Universe could exist outside their little planet. Due to a certain chain of events, however, when they did discover than many worlds lay outside of their little planet, they were shocked. So they resolved to do the only thing possible

Agnipariksha

2009-02-23T19:08:00.002+05:30

The Times of India Reports:The Vishwa Hindu Parishad has sent a letter to 13 prominent Muslim organisations in India with a curious request — that they declare, in a fatwa, India to be a "friend" of Islam, or a Dar-ul-Aman, therefore making jihad against India and Indians invalid...."We are expecting the said organisations to respond to this appeal in a positive manner. We firmly believe that

Youth Versus, er… Bloodlust

2009-02-23T19:04:00.002+05:30

The Times of India Reports:In an obvious dig at Rahul Gandhi, the 38-year-old Congress general secretary who is being projected as a youth icon by the party, Modi said: "We are not small fish floating around in the comfort of aquariums, but we weather huge storms to win."...The Congress reacted sharply to Modi's "fish" remarks, with spokesperson Manish Tewari saying in New Delhi: "If Rahul is a

Oh My God

2009-02-18T22:37:00.007+05:30

Last week, my sister, who lives in Calcutta, got stuck in a massive traffic jam on the way back from school. The reason she was stuck was that a bunch of people, who unlike my sister, never did go to school, were protesting against an article that The Statesman had reproduced from the UK's Independent. The protesters claimed that the article had insulted the Prophet.Now, as you chaps would know,

Not PC

2009-02-17T23:06:00.007+05:30

The Sunday Times of of India reports:MEA computers hacked againNEW DELHI: The ministry of external affairs on Sunday said that no classified information has been stolen, after over 600 of its computers were hacked. According to Times Now, the machines were infected by spyware — a bug that gets into a computer taking control of the user's actions. The infected computers include those in the

Gay Pride takes Violent Turn in Pub

2009-02-08T19:53:00.011+05:30

Militant homosexuals attacked a pub in Mangalore last week, thrashing courting heterosexuals in a bid to bring attention to the plight of sexual minorities in India.Witnesses say that the activists, in a fit of misogynistic rage, primarily vented their ire on the women, thrashing them mercilessly.The leader of the group, Pramod Muthalik, confirmed that his men had indeed committed the deed. “We

Cheater Cock

2009-01-27T21:19:00.005+05:30

Congress President: Originally from the Italian town of Lusiana.Delhi Government’s Republic Day Ad Idea: Originally from Italian clothing brand, Benetton. More ridicule of inane government ads: Budding Poets

Messiah Sworn in as President of the United States

2009-01-24T00:11:00.006+05:30

The One True Prophet of the One True God was anointed as the Messiah of the United States of America on Tuesday.Huge crowds gathered to watch the Messiah being baptised by John the Chief Justice. A Holy Book used by Abraham, who the Messiah is said to greatly revere, was used for the ceremonies.People from around the world reacted with elation and joy to see the new messiah bring hope to a beaten

We Need More Reservations

2009-01-16T23:29:00.007+05:30

There’s been a lot of brouhaha over reservations ever since the British got fed up of us and left. First it was the Dalits. Quite logical, since after being oppressed for centuries they do need affirmative action. Then, of course, some 50 years later Arjun Singh informed us that even the OBCs needed help with their ABCs. So seats were reserved for them in our education system.So far so good.But I

Punny

2009-01-13T22:54:00.002+05:30

In what must be a first for an Indian politician, or indeed anyone above the age of eighty, LK Advani has started a blog. However, some old habits die hard—the BJP leaders’s blog still urges us to subscribe to an RSS feed.

Humans Might be the Cleverest Animal on the Planet, Say Researchers

2009-01-10T17:02:00.007+05:30

Ground breaking research at the University of Auckland, New Zealand seems to suggest that humans might be cleverer than any other animal on the planet. John Smith and his team (who have nothing better to do, apparently) presented humans with a series of tests. For means of a comparison, these same tasks were also carried out by langoors, till now thought to be the cleverest animal on the planet

Not so Punny

2009-01-09T21:33:00.007+05:30

The Satyam fiasco has pained millions of Indians…by forcing them to read horrible, horrible puns. Here are some of them:Business Line: Times of India:Reuters:Mint:Indian Express:The Economic Times:Note: Satyam is a Sanskrit/Hindi word which means truth.

MNS Saves India from Impending Doom

2009-01-04T14:48:00.002+05:30

In a fitting reply to Pakistan’s banning of the Jamat-ud-Dawah, Raj Thakeray has ordered a ban on all Pakistani books in Mumbai. Raj is the head of the bestest and most patriotic party in the whole world, the MNS. The move is, in fact, seen as being a logical follow up to his earlier move to ban Indians from the Indian financial capital, Mumbai. Raj is learnt to have called for a ban as soon as

Rab Ne Bana Di Ghajini

2008-12-26T11:07:00.013+05:30

I never liked Superman all that much for two reasons—the same reasons I never liked Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, in fact: How is Louise Lois Lane so dumb? How can she not recognise Superman as Clark Kent? Just because Superman doesn’t wear glasses and Clark Kent does? Of course, Yash Raj Films is a lot more intelligent than DC comics: They make Shahrukh Khan’s alter ego differentiate himself with

The Fourth Estate

2008-12-17T22:14:00.007+05:30

Spin: (noun) A favourable comment or interpretation intended to bias opinion to suit the speaker’s needs.[Click on pics to enlarge]

Jamat-ud-Dawah Bans Pak Govt.

2008-12-14T13:38:00.007+05:30

Lahore, 29 Feb, 2013: Buckling under a massive international outcry, the Jamat-ud-Dawah has outlawed the Government of Pakistan and placed its leader, Asif Ali Zardari, under house arrest.This follows the dastardly attacks on the West Bengal Legislative Assembly by an aging Pashtun who was captured alive by the Calcutta Police. The terrorist appeared to be in some sort of trance. All he kept on

Spammers are People Too

2008-12-11T22:18:00.006+05:30

In times like these, one feels the little niceties of life are lost. I mean who has the time to thank someone in this dog eat dog world? But there are some people for whome manners come before all else. Check out this spam mail I got: Click to EnlargeIt’s nice to know that this gentleman had the courtesy to apologise for spamming my mail box. I can just see it now:

Politicians, are, Like, You Know, so Uncool!

2008-12-07T19:21:00.007+05:30

You know what’s wrong with that placard? It’s in English. How many people in India can talk in English let alone read it. Yet, the hoity-toity South Mumbai crowd had its banners in English to insult politicians—politicians who are elected by a set very different from the demographics of this crowd. Symbolism of the language apart, it’s mildly amusing to see someone like Shobha De (if you’ve

Dear Mr. Terrorist,

2008-11-28T16:19:00.006+05:30

My name is not Hades. Some of the more intelligent readers of The Times of Bullshit, no doubt, suspect that. My name is Shoaib Daniyal. No, that won’t do. My name is Shoaib Mohammed Daniyal. You say that you killed 195 people in Mumbai to avenge the maltreatment that people like me with names like Mohammed have faced in India. Let me tell you something about my self. I did my schooling in

Men of the World Unite! (err, figuratively speaking only)

2008-11-22T13:57:00.009+05:30

It was supposed to be an evening of good clean fun. A movie, dinner and inappropriate body searches at malls. You know, the usual. We chose Dostana. Seemed like a nice movie. Priyanka Chopra, who last played a bold racist character in Fashion, seemed nice. Plus a movie named Dostana can’t go wrong now can it? Good clean wholesome fun about friendship, family and maybe even kheer. “They might

Fair and Lovely Dissapointed with Obama Win

2008-11-16T16:42:00.003+05:30

In a shocking revelation The Times of Bullshit has learnt that Fair and Lovely, India was a major campaign contributor to the McCain Presidential campaign. Says, the CEO of Fair and Lovely, who, intriguingly, did not want to be named:” A Bla, er…man with a wheatish complexion becoming the most powerful man in the world is disastrous for our brand.” The amount is still undisclosed but the

Health is, er, Wealth

2008-11-11T21:29:00.007+05:30

The Knowledgeable People say greed caused the Great Financial Crisis. Greed which made them ignore common sense.Well, as I learnt, this isn’t a phenomenon limited to Wall Street. I got a flyer—an advertisement for a newly opened health club in Gurgaon—with my morning newspaper yesterday. Here’s a part of it which shows the benefits they offer: [Click to Enlarge]Free soft drinks? Offered by a

Path Breaking Movie Exposes Fashion Industry

2008-11-07T20:27:00.005+05:30

The Indian people caught up as they are in the humdrum of life—bomb blasts, sons-of the-soil protests, legalising homosexuality—often miss the finer points of life. I am, of course, talking about fashion. People have made sincere attempts though to educate us, though; FTV, for example. Educational shows such as Midnight Hot and my personal favourite: The Making of the Pirelli Calendar, have no

Via Agra

2008-11-02T19:25:00.009+05:30

Mumtaz Mahal gave birth to thirteen of Shah Jahan’s children in nineteen years of marriage to him. Undoubtedly worn out, she passed way after giving birth to his fourteenth child.The Taj Mahal—a monument to love? More like a monument to excessive love. Maybe the Buddha chap was right with his Middle Way gobbledygook—even with love.*** Fairness, unlike in the Fair and Lovely ads, isn’t a virtue in

Raju Chacha

2008-10-24T16:48:00.014+05:30

In a rational move which smacks overtly of common sense, MNS cadre have bought the capital city of Maharashtra to a standstill, to protest against non-Maharashtrians. Says a local level leader of the MNS,”These non-Maharashtrians were destroying Mumbai’s culture and ethos. Now you know that we Maharashtrians are second to none. So we said:’ they’ve destroyed the culture and ethos of the city; big

Dilli Dur Ast

2008-10-21T21:59:00.014+05:30

My father, while visiting me in Delhi, suddenly decided that he needed to visit the Nizamuddin dargah, that too on a Friday. Not that my father is a very religious person but I guess if he had to fill in his Orkut/Facebook profile he’d put in something like “spiritual but not religious”. Now the problem with these places is the bloody crowd. For some reason, God and the people who get you to Him

Mumbai Police Smash Crime with Raid on Party

2008-10-07T23:32:00.010+05:30

In a daring raid (here is the staid version of the story), Mumbai police busted a rave party in the wee hours of Monday. The rave was apparently not your ordinary walk-on-the-grass with the relatives of the high and mighty of Bollywood—even Shakti Kapoor's son was present there—being involved in this heinous act of debauchery The raid was carried out by a crack team from the anti-narcotics

Government Hides Cricket Match from Nation

2008-10-06T21:41:00.011+05:30

The BCCI has announced today that recently it organised a match between the board President’s XI and Australia in Hyderabad.In what was an apparent bid to protect the Australians from terror strikes, knowledge of the match, while it was being played, was withheld from the public leading to empty stands and poor TRP ratings.When this correspondent reached the ground, tipped of by his sources, he

Rock On Sweeps Wall Street off its Feet

2008-09-24T23:42:00.011+05:30

Farhan Akhtar starrer ‘Rock On’ has turned out to be a sleeper hit in the United States. The film, about an investment banker who risks it all to follow his passion, has apparently struck a cord with the thousands of investment bankers who have suddenly found that their passion—making money—has been bought to an abrupt halt. Says, former investment banker, John Smith: “Farhan’s character had it